Announcement

Some people – hopefully not you – might stop reading this at the end of this paragraph. If you're offended, I'm sorry, but honesty overrides other concerns, as, nervously, I announce my gayness.

You might think my sexuality is a private matter, but I think that, because it's an elemental part of me, it needs to be out there, which it largely already is. (I told my then-wife, my mother, siblings and others close to me almost five years ago and have told others close to me since.)

Many people would probably assume from my actions – long giving the impression (often successfully) that I'm straight (heterosexual like "normal" people), dating only women, fathering a child, marrying her mother, etc. – that I am indeed straight. (My divorce, finalized in December of 2006, was a catalyst in forcing me out.)

When someone is not out, society largely assumes he's straight. I don't want to perpetuate the falsehood.

Many childhood friends and others saw my gayness, though virtually no one even hinted it to me then, and only a few old friends (Dean, Peter, Noreen) – many years into my adulthood – told me the truth before 2004, which is when I first came out, to most of those closest to me. But many, including family members, had thought I was straight.

I repressed my gayness; I still do, out of habit or societal pressure or … whatever.

I'm still not completely sure of my personality (I think I might be bisexual, which is something I want to discuss with my therapist), but I know that it contains gay and effeminate traits and that I repressed those traits.

In my youth, I was confused, frightened and disgusted about my sexuality and seemingly unable to acknowledge it. In my young adulthood, I convinced – or deluded – myself that I could choose to be straight. In the 1980s, I began to justify to myself my rejection of my gayness as valid given my fear of AIDS.

Now, as the first decade of the new millennium draws to a close and I draw near to age 50, it seems that I have cemented my personality to fit more comfortably – more straightly – into society. Maybe – probably? – slowly I can melt the cement.

It seems some people – both heterosexuals and homosexuals – have scorned me because they saw my hiding behavior as unforgivable dishonesty. Are "scorn" and "unforgivable" too strong? Perhaps. Hopefully.

A few old friends seem homophobic.

Some straight people seem to shun me simply because I'm gay.

For virtually everyone, especially friends, I wish to present a fully honest face.

As society continues to become much more open about sexuality, I want to follow that positive trend, to be more alive, human, myself.

Thank you for reading all 460 words of this.